FRIDAY F/U

as in FOLLOW UP, not the other thing

Following up on previous posts with a nasty little complaint, a disgusting little snack and a big lazy list………..

SCREED FROM A HALLOWEEN SCROOGE

I have been nauseous for days leading up to tonight.

I’m nauseous right now.

Because other than failure and being left alone with my thoughts, for most of my life I haven’t been afraid of anything…. and then I experienced my first Halloween with candy-eating-aged children.

MY GUIDE TO KID HALLOWEEN IN LA IS AS FOLLOWS:

• Lay the groundwork with a few unseasonably hot days to ensure that your carved pumpkins will have melted into the sidewalk before the festivities begin.

• Add stress by making it widely understood that the week leading up to the event is, functionally, the frantic, scrambling end of the business year in Hollywood (for extra spookiness, add thousands of layoffs!)

• Hype up the event for weeks with special music, pre-parties, costume questions and block after block of decorated houses, so that if anything goes even slightly wrong on the night in question, it’s as emotional as possible.

• Encourage your child to fully inhabit their costume by wearing it nonstop for days in advance, time they can use to destroy or lose important parts of it, which you will *not* be able to replace day-of.

• After a long day at school, locate an area with little to no parking and encourage your children to walk for several blocks in airless, ill-fitting or uncomfortable outfits (note: ideally the blistering afternoon sun should be aimed like a laser beam onto your head throughout this period.)

• UNLEASH THE FRENZIED SEARCH FOR CANDY! Cross heavily trafficked streets and get further and further away from your car to do so!! For extra fun, some houses will have created genuinely terrifying scenarios fit to frighten adults, guaranteed to give your kids traumatizing nightmares—make sure there’s ABSOLUTELY NO WAY to know in advance which houses are set up like this!

• Much later than you planned, cart your hysterical children back home and negotiate with them over candy as they exhaustedly choke on their own tears. Keep your unsafe kitchen scissors handy for cutting bits of lollipop out of delicate hair. Finally, make sure everyone gets a good night’s sleep—Christmas is just around the corner :)
  

  

Courtesy of Momtowner Jill Donenfeld (who just so happens to run a sanity-saving home-cooking and catering company), a Halloween-themed recipe for child lunch augmentation that you can either call “bat poop” or “black magic dip,” depending on your preferences.

Stick pita chips in this, bell peppers, carrot sticks, or eat it by the spoonful.

EASIEST BLACK BEAN DIP
aka Bat Poop aka Black Magic aka Skeleton Toothpaste aka Worm Food
Prep Time 10 mins
Cook Time 5 mins

1 TB olive oil
1/2 medium red onion, sliced
⅛ tsp cumin
¼ tsp onion powder
2 (15 oz) cans black beans, drained, rinsed, patted dry
Salt, to taste

In a medium pan, heat olive oil over medium high heat. Add sliced red onion (and some serrano pepper if this is not for kids); sauté until browned, 5 mins. Remove from heat & stir in cumin & onion powder to bloom. Transfer to a high speed blender; add beans & salt; blend until smooth.

And use code TABLETIME for 10% off when you set up your Culinistas (thanks Jill!)

oh, totally forgot:

Assumed you wouldn’t want a costume and now you feel dumb and lazy? Forgot completely? Here are some no-shop, day-of costume ideas courtesy of the glue gun wielders of CraftTown. Or be inspired by the Japanese tradition of Extremely Mundane Costumes (thank you Lou Donlon for the reminder.)

DRY CLEANING

My longtime go-to. All this takes it one dry cleaning bag, a big man’s shirt and some safety pins to fasten the hanger and hanger paper bit.

CRAZY TAPE MUMMY

Wrap a huge amount of of random colored paper tape all over yourself and show that you tried!

90’s FEMALE COMEDIAN

Blazer, ill-fitting jeans, a tie + a stack of index cards on which you can write your little jokes about going to the bathroom in the supermarket.

HAMBURGLAR

”Like stripes and a mask?” I asked, incredulous (do you all have masks just sitting around in your house? What’s wrong with me?) “And a hamburger to snack on. Easy,” says Ingrid and Kara. (Suppose one could also get creative with some makeup and do, “mime who loves hamburgers.”)

PLAYING CARD

Big white t-shirt + red or black sharpie = ace in the hole (of hearts or spades)

THE CALL…

What could be scarier?